Silent no more

7-26-10




I am a coward.



That may come across as harsh, but it is how I feel this morning after having been a part of something positively awful. I am embarrassed at my lack of response and yet at the same time I am still not sure what I could have done. I am at a loss and it has made me question what could possibly be done the next time.



I went to a concert on Saturday night. Adam Lambert was the main act and I was fortunate enough to see the show with some awesome people. Andy, my brother in law, was the main force behind the outing as it was his birthday. His husband Scott was there along with a couple of old friends, Bob and Paul. Ken, my husband, and my sister in law Lyn were also there.



We got to the venue and made our way to our seats in the bleachers. It was a beautiful evening, warm enough to not require a coat, yet a nice breeze so that it wasn’t too hot. We had a nice view of the stage and we all settled in for a fun time.



The stench of cigarette smoke started to permeate our area. Scott, who is extremely sensitive to the smell, got extremely upset. It had been our understanding that there was no smoking in the bleachers. Scott asked the man to stop since there was no smoking. The man was annoyed with the request and even went over to the security guard.



Security was indifferent. They told the man smoking that it was fine as long as it didn’t bother anyone. They told our party that they didn’t really plan on telling anyone to stop. Our tickets had it printed clearly that there would be no smoking tolerated in the entire venue, not just the bleachers, yet we were at a loss.



It could not have been more than 15 minutes later when a woman sat behind us and proceeded to light up. Ken and Andy responded to the situation by first telling the woman that there was no smoking and that if she was going to smoke if she could go up to the top corner so that the smoke would not affect us. You would think that common courtesy would prevail in a situation like this. Instead, I was a part of the most shocking turn of conversation ever.



She argued with Ken about the policy, telling him that the original smoking man had told her there was not much anyone was going to do about it. Ken told her that the ticket actually said no smoking. Her friend promptly put her cigarette out and she was thanked by my party. The other lady was not as compliant. Instead, she answered Ken’s offer to read to her the line indicating that smoking was prohibited by telling him, “Well, it’s illegal to be a fag, too.”



You hear these kinds of hateful statements in movies or in the context of a news story. I know I have heard people say things that are harsh and ignorant all the time. But for some reason, this just hit me wrong on every level. This was an argument about cigarette smoke, not my Andy’s sexual preference. We had not up to this point said anything derogatory about her appearance or possible likes or dislikes about sex. Where was this hate coming from?



Ken and Lyn were flabbergasted but in a way that allowed them to actually respond. Both of them questioned her thinking, snipping at her for the comment and to some degree requesting more information for her words.



She said that sodomy is illegal in California and that makes gay illegal. She then proceeded to argue with Ken, Lyn and Andy for a few minutes. She finally got up and announced that she was going to security, to which all of us agreed, this was fine with us.



Andy had not even heard the fag remark until Ken mentioned it to him after she had come back. Andy was not about to allow her to get away with this, and more arguments continued as she flat out refused to accept that her statement was not only wrong, but horrid, nasty, cold, evil and just bad on every level. She still felt like we were assaulting her, and that she had free speech rights and ability through this to say whatever she wanted about people.



I sat in the midst of this war of words, feeling extremely uncomfortable. I hate that there are people like her in this world, polluting it with more than just the foul smell of tobacco. Her words were more poisonous than a case of cigarettes. But then why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I stand by my family and express my hate for her toxic insults?



I would imagine I am not the only one who feels that way. In life, there are moments like this one all the time. I would venture a guess that there is a hateful, discriminatory statement said just about every 10 seconds. I would imagine many of those comments are made in an environment where the sentiment is probably shared with the company they keep. There are also times when this is said out loud, in a crowd of people, that even with their strong convictions, don’t have the courage to step up and let their voice be heard.



I am unfortunately one of the silent protestors. I feel as though I let Andy down by not expressing my shock and anger at this horrid, hateful woman. I feel as though I should have done more, and instead, I just sat there, almost like an ostrich, hiding her head in the sand, waiting for the dust to settle in order to come up again. I was worried about a fight breaking out. I was worried about getting kicked out of the concert. I was worried about getting arrested. I wondered how it would look to my children when Grandma and Grandpa would have to come bail their parents out of jail for fighting, when we have told them a hundred times to not resort to violence.



Of course, I didn’t have to throw punches. I just needed to verbalize my emotions of hate towards her. But how? Would it have been productive of me to call her names or try to argue a point with someone whose mind had already been made up? No amount of statistics or articulate arguments was going to make her see the light. So what do I do?



This is not just a question for me. This is a question for all people who feel that there are people treated poorly. We can’t just rely on those few people who have it in them to step up in a situation that might be terrifying. We should help our fellow man, and it means that we need to do something, anything, to make sure our voice is heard loud and clear.



Perhaps my voice is to be heard in this piece. Maybe I need to write an angry letter to the management of the casino, telling them how appalled I am at the lack of security interaction despite the fact that one of their patrons was using discriminatory statements against another patron. Maybe it also is a sign that my voice may not have been heard on Saturday night, but it will be heard in the aftermath.



I am sorry for every person who has been in a situation in which they were verbally abused by ignorance and intolerance. I am sorry that there were not more people like Ken and Lyn who came to the defense of their brother in a time of need. I am sorry that there were probably more people like myself that sat dumbfounded, not wanting to get involved.



I have to look at this from the eyes of a mother. If someone were to say these sort of hateful things to one of my children, wouldn’t I want someone, anyone to stand up for them? It is my responsibility to make sure no mother has to worry that I won’t stick up for their child. I hope that my mother in law will forgive me.



Hate is everywhere and unless we actively work to make it go away, it will only continue to result in situations like Saturday night. That was a minor incident, but what if it had been similar to the cases of so many young men and women who have been targeted by hate, and in the midst of the assault it turned into violence? How can anyone live with themselves if they were there during something like that and didn’t stand up?



So to my dear brother in law, Andy, I hope that you can forgive me for not doing more. You are good people, and you deserve good people around you at all times. I will not let you down again.



And to the haters, I am no longer going to be intimidated by you. I will stand up for what is right, and I will make sure that if I am in that situation again, my kids will be proud to know mommy went to jail standing up for the rights of others.